Tuesday, January 3, 2012

On the dangers of no longer living alone

It's been a few months since I last blogged.  I have a plethora of excuses, none of which actually excuse me from the extended absence.  Since last blogging, I've added two new people into my living situation: my girlfriend, Alex, and my Fet sister Heather.

I love both of these girls more than anything.  It's been great having them around as much as they are.  Fresh, hot meals.  Regularly spanked bottoms.  People as an audience to my dumb jokes instead of furniture.  It's been awesome.

It's also been jarring to my nesting habits.

Is it supposed to be common knowledge that girls shed 30 million metric tons (calculations pending) of hair per day???  It's everywhere.  It's in my kitchen.  It's in my bathroom.  It's in my bedroom.  Somehow, it even ends up entangled in my fresh laundry.

Speaking of which, I used to have a pretty awesome system for laundry.  It's somewhat common knowledge among my friends that I pride myself on owning as many clothes as I can wear in a week.  This normally means owning two pairs of pants, five shirts, and fresh socks.  When I'd do laundry, I'd leave the clean clothes in the laundry basket.  As I wore clothes, I'd stick the dirty ones on the other side of the laundry basket from the clean ones.  Once the basket was full of dirty clothes, I knew it was time to do laundry.

Now it comes in heaps.  Girls wear SO MANY clothes.  I don't even understand how it accumulates as it does within the few days that it does.  Do they invite friends over to leave their clothes at our place?  Are they organizing a clearinghouse for some orphanage in Afghanistan?

Needless to say, my habits have been suspended.  I had happily acclimated to the life of a bachelor.  Tuna Helper whenever I wanted it, laptop and TV positioned perfectly in front of my mattress so I'd never have to leave my bed, and soapy water retained in my kitchen sink doing most of the work for me.  I also had a pretty good system in place for when girls visited:

Of course, I knew that Alex was going to be moving here in November.  This elicited endless hours of ruminating over what to do regarding my lifestyle.  She loves domesticity.  She likes living in a clean space.  She likes whole foods in her meals rather than processed foods creatively congealed into $2 dinners.  What was I going to do with all that nonsense?  Eat well, wear clean things, have space to walk around in, and otherwise be healthy?  I think not!

Obviously, she won that one.  I feel I helped her spirit of domestication by providing nearly endless opportunity for improvement in her new living arrangements.

All that being said, I can honestly say that my life is much more meaningful with a female presence keeping my masculine apathy towards cleanliness in check.

So, life is different.  I now live in a world where food is made from other foods, where shirts don't have to be turned inside-out to be considered 'clean', and I can invite people over now without needing three hours time to prepare for their arrival.  On the other hand, girly stuff is everywhere.  Stuffed animals now populate areas where once was a mesh of electrical components from dead motherboards.  Things with animals that no man would ever need as a pet now embroider towels and adorn refrigerator magnets.  

We are still getting used to each other, and connecting as much as we do as friends, partners, and spankos really aids in the process.  I know the ride has just begun, but I'm really looking forward to the years and experiences which lay ahead of us.  Maybe I'll even buy a tie someday.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Getting started

Getting started is one of the most difficult undertakings for a burgeoning spanko.  We know we want spanking, but what more do we want beyond that?  Where do we fit in?  Who do we connect most with?  What is safe and what isn't?

It's okay not to know these things.  No one expects you to know where you fit in on the first day.  It's going to take time to find your unique identity in the scene and the most gratifying ways of interacting with others.  Here are my recommendations in getting started:
  1. Network.  Sign up for and use sites such as FetLifeSpankFinderSpankoLife, and spanko blogs.  You'll find a wealth of resources from people who have all taken the same journey that you're about to.  A lot of us are friendly and want to help newcomers feel safe, informed, and supported.  Find interesting people and get to know them and what works for them.
  2. Apprentice.  If you want to be good at what you do, learn how to do it from people who are already good at it.  You don't necessarily need to take a formal tutelage under a dungeon master or anything, but it helps a lot if you find people in the scene whose abilities you admire and then learn from them what makes what they do work.  Don't feel timid about approaching such people.  Even "high profile" people in the community remember their own start and take a sympathetic interest in someone who is just starting theirs (so long as your desire to learn is genuine and you're not simply looking to "get off").
  3. Take initiative.  Once you feel well-rounded in what your interests are and your ability to perform a mutually satisfactory scene with someone, don't wait for your imagined partner to come running to you.  Put yourself out there.  Send out requests for friendship, attend munches, indulge witty banter in group discussions.  While your ability in a scene is of paramount importance once the scene has begun, you'll almost never get to that point of the process if your don't have a reputation which makes your partner feel comfortable.
  4. Be open about your interest early in a romantic relationship.  If this truly is an ineluctable part of your identity and desires, then you cannot have your partner not be okay with it.  As much as you may feel chemistry with a person, remember that spanking is very likely to ultimately be a necessary qualifier for you in the long-term.  Be honest with your partner about your needs.
  5. Roll with the punches.  Not everyone is going to like your style.  Not everyone is going to be compatible with your role in the scene (whether Top, Dom, Sadist, bottom, submissive, masochist, etc).  Understand that people may not always have a good reason for not wanting to play with you, but that it is still their right to pursue their own route to happiness just as much as it is yours.  Find the people with whom you can share chemistry and do your part to make it meaningful and enjoyable for the both of you (or more, if you're poly :)).
The above isn't going to guarantee that you find the person(s) of your dreams, but it will help you if you're feeling nervous and alone.  Remember that the spanking community is always bigger than you probably think it is, and there are a lot of people in it that want to be informative and supportive.  Put yourself out there.  :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Being in the vanilla world, though not of it.

Some of us remember knowing we were fascinated with spanking before we can remember much else.  Some of us have memories of someone else introducing us to an experience later in life and finding that we wanted and needed it forever thereafter.  Regardless of the method of discovery, we are set on an inexorable path of spank-seeking behavior forever thereafter.  From that point on, this is always a part of us: sometimes inflated, sometimes diminished, but always there.

For a lot of us, this can feel like a curse.  As I alluded to in my last entry, we don't choose spanking, it chooses us.  I never had a day where I felt it'd be a good idea to willingly entertain an obsession which enfeebled my ability to think of much else whenever spanking was mentioned or demonstrated in any form.  It's something that's been with me every day since its inception, constantly capturing my imagination, often at inopportune times.

Of course, this felt like nothing to be proud of.  I mean, who fantasizes about spanking?  Certainly no one I knew or interacted with.  This was something to be kept hidden, secret, safe.  Every instance of any kind of spanking around me made something in me want to jump out and grab it.  It was like trying to keep two neodymium magnets separated from each other.  If ever I allowed those magnets to connect, however, I'd be doomed to embarrassingly judgmental glances and derisive remarks for the rest of my life.

The Internet helped a lot.  It allowed me to see that there were others like me.  This was a great initial outlet at the time.  The chatrooms and various message boards I was able to stumble across via one of my many thousands of searches for spanking-related content made me feel a bit less awkward.  However, the Internet had banners that let me know I was welcome and safe.  No one in my neighborhood was wearing a t-shirt that said "Please spank me".  If ever I was going to make anything I dreamed about happen, I was going to have to force my way out of my shell.

But how?  How does one tell a girl that you'd like to see her over your lap?  What if you even make an innocuous joke about spanking her and watch it fall flat on its face as she gives you a "WTF?" glance followed by an awkward silence?  What if she cries "harassment!" and a full-scale inquiry is mounted into the nature of your intended advances on her?

By the time I was 18, I was tired of feeling like this was an intractable ailment.  I needed to resolve the two worlds and live in just the one.

So, I did.  This wasn't something that was going to go away on its own, and it wasn't something I could bully out of me.  If people were going to accept me as me, this was something they'd have to know.  Not to an extent that would make them uncomfortable, obviously, as there's no point in forcing information on someone just because you feel like the world doesn't accept your kink, and you don't want to compromise your profession and/or familial relationships, but something that's enough for them to know that this is something that's as genuine as my skin color, asexuality, or ridiculously stubby height: I am a spanko.

The responses have been largely encouraging.  I've never lost a friend or friendly acquaintance to date over it.  Some people have immediately told me that such conversation makes them uncomfortable, and the conversation ended there.  Most have found themselves somewhat curious about the lifestyle, even if only an observational curiosity rather than an interest in indulging it themselves.

The friends I have now are the friends who know the real me.  That feels good.  I live in a largely vanilla world, but I don't have to feel that only the majority of me can live in the real world while a fragment exists only in my head.  I've gotten to meet extraordinary people and have enormously rewarding relationships with them just because I finally came across the gumption to be who I really am.

So, don't force who you are.  Be who you are.  Courage wolf will nod approvingly.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Yes, I'm in the BDSM community. No, I'm not a BDSM-er.

I am a spanko.  This has been an assured part of my identity since I was six.  Spanking was a constant, often embarrassing obsession of mine until I discovered the Internet.  The Internet allowed me to see that there were others like me who wanted the same things that I did and were able to feel comfortable about it in the environment created for us in cyberspace.

Unfortunately, while we can abound within the nooks and crannies carved out for us in Internetland, it's very rare that we find a community of spankos in our real life neighborhood.  Such a realization can commit quite a bit of our time to online communities along with the occasional meetup with others like us and, ideally, a committed relationship or relationships with those with whom we find chemistry.

Since BDSM fell from the exclusive ranks of the Old Guard into pop culture society, kinksters are everywhere.  Each with their own kink or kinks.  Some are spankos, such as we, but most are kinksters who can enjoy a good spanking along with a multiplicity of other types of play.  This widens our pool of potential play partners, but we still feel the ill effects of not "connecting" as much as we'd like with that partner as we know they don't share our history and emotional/mental/physical involvement with spanking.

We use the terms "spanko purist" and "hard-wired" to define ourselves amongst a larger community of spanking enthusiasts.  I really like this practice.  There is a touch of perceived arrogance among us "purists", but it's a necessary one.  We didn't choose this fetish, it chose us.  We are ineluctably drawn to a firm hand or a bare bottom.  We each know the clenching in our stomach we experience when we hear the word "spanking" uttered seriously around us.  We know how we feel when we see sleeves being rolled up by a man who means business, or the quiver of a girl's lip as she sees a man's belt being removed.  This is our kink.  It is our lifestyle.

I am proudly a member of my local BDSM community.  I learn a lot from the dynamics, kinks, and play types of others.  I love the people I interact with and can be inspired by.  Sometimes, I can find a fun vacation from spanking and indulge in something I know is someone else's kink.  But, at the end of the day, I am a spanko, not a BDSM-er.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Challenging my ineptitude

I have always admired people who could sit themselves down and write compelling and interesting paragraphs on topics that engaged their readers.  It's a skill I've never developed, and I find myself envying those who do it so flawlessly and (seemingly) effortlessly.  My goal here is to challenge my apparent inability to write and see what I can produce when I motivate myself to accomplish something I'm unsure of myself in.

I'm not entirely sure what I ought to blog about, really.  There is nothing that yet feels "natural".  I'm also not (comfortably) a public person.  I feel that the status quo stipulates a healthy balance of personal updates, opinions on various topics relevant to the reader's interest, and an occasional bout of philosophical musing which invites the reader to share their own perspectives.

I am engaged in a number of meaningful relationships which substantially add to my quality of life.  I am actively engaged in my local BDSM community as a group leader.  I am a computer nerd, a Marvel geek, a film enthusiast, a pacifist, and a lover of perpetual improvement.  Hopefully I'll be able to take inspiration from those aspects of my life and find a way of conveying them in a relatable fashion.  We'll see how it goes.  I've outlined my ideal transition below: