Sunday, October 16, 2016

Correcting the Record

I've been gone from the public eye for a few years now and recently decided to come back.  Given the obfuscated nature of my withdrawal/exile, I wanted to clear up the record about what transpired in the time before I left, what caused me to leave, and what caused me to come back.

Before I get started, there are some important things to know about me:

1) I am a pacifist.  I refuse to fight or get into heated arguments.  Because of this:

2) The more worked up someone gets in a discussion, the less invested I become in it.  This can appear as me being cold or uncaring, but it's my way of protecting both of us from the things that get said when people get heated or emotional.  Once the other person becomes calm, the discussion can resume.

3) I refuse to be part of a group or to create a group dynamic.  Groups create loyalties to people instead of to what's objectively right.

People who remember me from years ago remember me as I was: Charismatic, dorky, humorously sadistic, dominant, poly, and spanko.  While there were moments of intense D/s and spanking scenes, most of the time was spent sharing odd links from the Internet and watching Netflix shows with friends.  That's who I always was and it's who I remain.  However, that's not what the name "Malignus" came to mean.  Something happened to make it that way.

What happened was this: Given a long and intimate history, the terms on which some of my relationships ended caused a lot of hurt because of how close we were, and those girls sought solace from those who would listen.  Some of the people they opened up to became increasingly receptive to hearing it and it started a game of telephone.  And, as the game of telephone will do, the stories about me got worse every time they were repeated to others until, eventually, they became stories about a predatory and emotionally abusive cult leader who willingly hurt people and made victims of them.  Not only would I never do those things, but the women I was involved with would never have allowed those things to begin with.  The issue was not that terrible things happened during the relationship, the issue was that there were so many good things in our relationship that there was a great amount of pain in why (and sometimes how) it ended.  That pain led to reaching out.  That reaching out led to community drama.

Over time, it stopped being absurd to say absurdly terrible things about me.  Eventually, it became easy.  To make matters worse, I wasn't challenging it.  Not only am I greatly averse to drama, but I didn't want to "retort" with words that would be damaging to those I used to love.  Given my optimism and pacifism, I decided to treat it like a tire fire and try to let it burn itself out, believing that people would eventually lose interest in this latest fad and eventually go back to things as normal.  Instead, the situation got increasingly bizarre.  Not only were people continuing to repeat what they'd heard and compound it with worse, but they were pressuring people I was involved with to accept it as true.  In one of our last conversations, -lostkitten told me it was getting increasingly hard to be with me because of what was being said to her at parties and get-togethers, despite her overt happiness at being involved with me.  It became popular to hate me; it became unpopular to stand up for me.  By the time I fully realized what was going on, it was too late to do anything substantive in my defense.

So, what really happened?  With each of the women who have taken to saying terrible things about me, there was a specific time that turned things around from what they were into what they've become.  We were very, very close prior to that moment.  It was only after that moment, and with considerable encouragement from others, that they said terrible things about me.

With sweet_enticement, it was a phone conversation where I told her I could no longer have a friendship where I was expected to be there for her without her being willing to be there for me as well.

With AlexReynolds, it was when I stopped accepting excuses for her rude and belligerent behaviors and told her the she needed to take responsibility for them instead of blaming them on others.  Anyone who knows her knows what I'm talking about: "I"m sorry, I'm just going through a lot, right now" was an especially common excuse to justify how she was treating me and others, and I eventually told her I would have no more of it.  I said I would support her through managing and solving whatever problems she was facing, but I would no longer allow her to use them as an excuse for being antagonistic.

With crashdance, it was when I told her new Domme how my dynamic with crashdance had transitioned from me to her without my willingness.  Up until the very night before, crashdance considered me a good friend and even hugged me and thanked me for being "a good man".  After that night, she got upset and got her group of friends at SSNY upset, and all of them summarily turned against me.

With ellee, it was a few months in the making.  She would get very worked up during our conversations and say things that were hurtful.  Being who I am, I would continue to withdraw from the conversation until she calmed down and we could discuss things rationally.  She took this as me being cold and heartless and things continued to get worse in our conversations until I finally had to break up with her.

If you look through the history I have with these women (though a lot has been deleted, notably by AlexReynolds and crashdance, though you can still find Alex's in her blogspot caches) you'll see the kind of relationship I had with them.  Bright, cheerful, and a lot of love, humor, and support.

Who I really am is a fiercely ethical man who enjoys only what is mutually consensual and mutually enjoyable.  I'm not possessive or territorial and I don't give into group dynamics or group thinking.  The real me has been there all this time in my journal writings (https://fetlife.com/users/87107/posts/711860, https://fetlife.com/users/87107/posts/447722, and https://fetlife.com/users/87107/posts/970064)  my groups (https://fetlife.com/groups/28275 and https://fetlife.com/groups/17606), and my website (http://spankingbasics.com/).  The person I am in private is no different than the person I am in public; I don't change who I am based on my audience.

I never stopped being in reciprocally wonderful dynamics and relationships, I just stopped doing so publicly as it became too difficult.  Those who were involved with the group who were playing the telephone game became increasingly wary of me and eventually took to ejecting me from their lives.  The people I've continued to be happily involved with are those who refuse to play it.

So there you have it - the simple truth.  It isn't very sensational, but it's what happened.  A handful of the people I was involved with (out of about 60) felt wounded in the wake of our relational rift and sought support and consolation from people who were increasingly receptive to hearing about it.  People in powerful positions then championed my expulsion from events and from socializing with other spankos.

Why am I back, now?  As the number of former friends dropped off more and more, I realized that I couldn't abide a life remiss of the opportunity to meet people and form friendships and relationship while having them get to know me as I am instead of a notorious legend that prohibited any real contact.  I came back to FetLife so that I could try to make that happen.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Why I won't attend SSNY events

After a recommendation by one of the people who was there, I am changing parts of my post to say "her spanko family" when referring to those who involved themselves in this situation.  This isn't because I feel that the original term was erroneous (the people at the house are intentionally and prominently involved in the planning and execution of SSNY events) but rather because it is more precise and also makes it more clear (again) that I'm not telling people not to attend SSNY events.

A disturbing set of events occurred at the SSNY 2013 Christmas party which I feel compelled to share.  This, unfortunately, is not a very happy post, but it has become a necessary one.  First, some background, enclosed in horizontal lines:



Heather (currently known as crashdance on FetLife) and I had a D/s dynamic for almost two years.  Initially, this dynamic was very well-maintained: We spoke every day over Skype and video chatted most evenings.  Well into our dynamic, her life got hectic to the point of distraction and I, perceiving that she needed to be able to focus, took a step back from our routine and said I'd wait until she was able to focus on the dynamic again.

Days of waiting turned into weeks.  Weeks turned into months.  During this time, I noticed that she was still in pretty consistent contact with her spanko family.  This didn't bother me, by itself, but it bothered me a little that there was so much correspondence going on between her and them and little to none going on between her and me while our dynamic was still technically in operation.  I confronted her on this issue one evening.  She told me that the reason there was so much correspondence between her spanko family and so little between the two of us was because her primary mode of communication, at that time, was text messaging, and she knew that texting wasn't really a good way to keep in touch with me.  She said she didn't have any extra time from her hectic schedule and that she didn't foresee any being available in the near future.  We ended the conversation on amicable terms, and I continued to wait until we could go back to where our dynamic had come from.

Fast forward to Shadow Lane 2013.  Heather and I still hadn't connected very much and I was hoping to be able to do that with her at this party.  On the last evening, we got into a bit of an altercation.  I had tried to connect with her spanko family because I knew she was close with them and I felt I had moderately succeeded.  On the last evening, however, despite assurances from her that she and they would be joining the rest of the party soon, she and her spanko family stayed holed up in their suite until the majority of them left.  No invites to see them before they left.  No goodbyes.  I confronted Heather about how I was hurt and feeling ignored and we got into an argument but one which was resolved relatively quickly and, again, ended on good terms.  I had hoped that having a passionate conversation, even if catalyzed by negative feelings, would help reconnect us.

Fast forward again a couple of months.  Heather asked if we could speak on the phone so we did.  She told me that she felt that our dynamic wasn't really there any more and proposed that we un-list each other.  I agreed, though I was saddened that this was the result of things.  She explained that if people want something enough, they find a way to make it work (an argument I had given her months earlier when noting that I hadn't heard from her in so long) and that, whether it was because of our conflicting schedules or other reasons, we just weren't connecting.  The next thing she wanted to tell me was that she and mia13 were exploring a dynamic together, though one hadn't formalized yet.  I felt a bit betrayed by this revelation because I, until only moments before that, was still waiting for our dynamic to resume only to find out that she had instead been tentatively developing one with someone else.  I didn't want to rain on her parade, however, so I congratulated her, and our conversation ended.



Now onto what happened during the SSNY Christmas party weekend:

The party itself was delightful.  Heather had also invited me to stay in the house she had rented for herself and a number of members from her spanko family.  Due to a snowstorm, YoggSothoth, ellee, BethEisley, and I decided that we would stay another night at the house.

Moods were light and fun was being had.  We played competitive games and found ourselves very entertained in the process.  During an intermission of one of these games, mia13 sat down next to me and said she felt that things were awkward between the two of us and asked what was going on (I want to note that she asked very sincerely and not in any confrontational way).  I explained to her how my dynamic with Heather had dissolved in a way I wasn't prepared for and that seeing the two of them now together was painful for me.  She had a startled look on her face and replied that she didn't know that that's how things had transitioned and that such things were important to her because of her background in the BDSM community.  I assured her that this wasn't her issue - it was something between Heather and I - and I didn't want her to think that anything was *wrong*, per se, just that it currently hurt and I was working on it.  I told her I was very happy that the two of them were happy and that the two things were not mutually exclusive.

That's as far as our conversation got because I was invited out for a cigarette.  I told mia13 I'd be right back and excused myself.  When I got back, I couldn't find mia13.  I occupied my time by playing with The_Famous_Kat and TenAmorette for a while.  After playing with Ten, I was pulled aside.  I was being asked to leave.  Not the entire house, but just the floor everyone was on (I slept on the floor below the "main" floor).

I was a little stunned.  In the following moments, days, and now weeks, however, I've been given a picture of what happened by those who were present in the wake of my conversation with mia13.

After my conversation with mia13, she went to relay the contents of what I said to Heather (how accurately, I do not know).  Heather apparently responded quite negatively.  Many female members of her spanko family went to find out what was wrong.  It quickly turned into enraged crying.  They were livid with me, and accused me of lying in an attempt to hurt their relationship with each other.  During this time, no one came out to ask me what was said or what was going on.  For hours, they stayed in that room and got angrier and angrier with me until they sent a delegate to state that there was a lot of animosity towards me and that I was being asked to leave.

The issue, initially, was between Heather and I, which is where it should have stayed.  All I did was express difficulty in having to see something that I had lost and still wanted with someone who was involved.  Heather did not keep the issue between the two of us.  She invited the rage of the mob she created in her defense.  It wasn't just anger, it was rage.  I have reports that at least one member desired physical violence against me.  Again, and this needs to be clear as possible: NO ONE who involved themselves asked me what happened; no one sought to see how the issue could be resolved; no one tried to calm any one down.  This was escalated to a rage which was satiated only by mob justice.

I cannot feel safe in an environment where a simple misunderstanding will, instead of being inquired after and resolved, be turned into reason to hate, ostracize, and even potentially injure me.

A number of her spanko family unfriended me in the wake of the issue.  To date, not a single one of them have talked to me or asked any questions.  There was a private party scheduled in February to which I was invited and very much looking forward to attending.  They were also invited.  The host has since been (successfully) pressured into uninviting me from that party due to protests from them.  This is not a fair act.  It is not a reasonable act.  It is bullying.

Why am I writing this post?  If I had any reason to believe that they was going to simply drop their issue, I wouldn't feel any impetus to write.  However, I still haven't heard a word from a single one of them, and what I am finding through other sources is that Heather is using her leverage to damage my ability to enjoy the community of which I am a part.  This issue began between the two of us, but she has determined to make it a community issue. I love this community and do not want to see myself torn from it due to the insistence of an angry few.  I cannot feel safe at SSNY events now or in the future, but I intend to continue to connect with the people in the spanko community because it's where I feel most welcomed and loved.  Heather's spanko family should stop trying to take that away from me.

One other note: It's been brought to my attention that some people who were not directly involved in the events of that night wish it to be known that they were not.  So I want to add that Mike Tanner and Miranda Marx were nowhere near the event and had nothing to do with any of this.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

On the dangers of no longer living alone

It's been a few months since I last blogged.  I have a plethora of excuses, none of which actually excuse me from the extended absence.  Since last blogging, I've added two new people into my living situation: my girlfriend, Alex, and my Fet sister Heather.

I love both of these girls more than anything.  It's been great having them around as much as they are.  Fresh, hot meals.  Regularly spanked bottoms.  People as an audience to my dumb jokes instead of furniture.  It's been awesome.

It's also been jarring to my nesting habits.

Is it supposed to be common knowledge that girls shed 30 million metric tons (calculations pending) of hair per day???  It's everywhere.  It's in my kitchen.  It's in my bathroom.  It's in my bedroom.  Somehow, it even ends up entangled in my fresh laundry.


Speaking of which, I used to have a pretty awesome system for laundry.  It's somewhat common knowledge among my friends that I pride myself on owning as many clothes as I can wear in a week.  This normally means owning two pairs of pants, five shirts, and fresh socks.  When I'd do laundry, I'd leave the clean clothes in the laundry basket.  As I wore clothes, I'd stick the dirty ones on the other side of the laundry basket from the clean ones.  Once the basket was full of dirty clothes, I knew it was time to do laundry.

Now it comes in heaps.  Girls wear SO MANY clothes.  I don't even understand how it accumulates as it does within the few days that it does.  Do they invite friends over to leave their clothes at our place?  Are they organizing a clearinghouse for some orphanage in Afghanistan?

Needless to say, my habits have been suspended.  I had happily acclimated to the life of a bachelor.  Tuna Helper whenever I wanted it, laptop and TV positioned perfectly in front of my mattress so I'd never have to leave my bed, and soapy water retained in my kitchen sink doing most of the work for me.  I also had a pretty good system in place for when girls visited:


Of course, I knew that Alex was going to be moving here in November.  This elicited endless hours of ruminating over what to do regarding my lifestyle.  She loves domesticity.  She likes living in a clean space.  She likes whole foods in her meals rather than processed foods creatively congealed into $2 dinners.  What was I going to do with all that nonsense?  Eat well, wear clean things, have space to walk around in, and otherwise be healthy?  I think not!

Obviously, she won that one.  I feel I helped her spirit of domestication by providing nearly endless opportunity for improvement in her new living arrangements.

All that being said, I can honestly say that my life is much more meaningful with a female presence keeping my masculine apathy towards cleanliness in check.

So, life is different.  I now live in a world where food is made from other foods, where shirts don't have to be turned inside-out to be considered 'clean', and I can invite people over now without needing three hours time to prepare for their arrival.  On the other hand, girly stuff is everywhere.  Stuffed animals now populate areas where once was a mesh of electrical components from dead motherboards.  Things with animals that no man would ever need as a pet now embroider towels and adorn refrigerator magnets.  

We are still getting used to each other, and connecting as much as we do as friends, partners, and spankos really aids in the process.  I know the ride has just begun, but I'm really looking forward to the years and experiences which lay ahead of us.  Maybe I'll even buy a tie someday.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Getting started

Getting started is one of the most difficult undertakings for a burgeoning spanko.  We know we want spanking, but what more do we want beyond that?  Where do we fit in?  Who do we connect most with?  What is safe and what isn't?


It's okay not to know these things.  No one expects you to know where you fit in on the first day.  It's going to take time to find your unique identity in the scene and the most gratifying ways of interacting with others.  Here are my recommendations in getting started:
  1. Network.  Sign up for and use sites such as FetLifeSpankFinderSpankoLife, and spanko blogs.  You'll find a wealth of resources from people who have all taken the same journey that you're about to.  A lot of us are friendly and want to help newcomers feel safe, informed, and supported.  Find interesting people and get to know them and what works for them.
  2. Apprentice.  If you want to be good at what you do, learn how to do it from people who are already good at it.  You don't necessarily need to take a formal tutelage under a dungeon master or anything, but it helps a lot if you find people in the scene whose abilities you admire and then learn from them what makes what they do work.  Don't feel timid about approaching such people.  Even "high profile" people in the community remember their own start and take a sympathetic interest in someone who is just starting theirs (so long as your desire to learn is genuine and you're not simply looking to "get off").
  3. Take initiative.  Once you feel well-rounded in what your interests are and your ability to perform a mutually satisfactory scene with someone, don't wait for your imagined partner to come running to you.  Put yourself out there.  Send out requests for friendship, attend munches, indulge witty banter in group discussions.  While your ability in a scene is of paramount importance once the scene has begun, you'll almost never get to that point of the process if your don't have a reputation which makes your partner feel comfortable.
  4. Be open about your interest early in a romantic relationship.  If this truly is an ineluctable part of your identity and desires, then you cannot have your partner not be okay with it.  As much as you may feel chemistry with a person, remember that spanking is very likely to ultimately be a necessary qualifier for you in the long-term.  Be honest with your partner about your needs.
  5. Roll with the punches.  Not everyone is going to like your style.  Not everyone is going to be compatible with your role in the scene (whether Top, Dom, Sadist, bottom, submissive, masochist, etc).  Understand that people may not always have a good reason for not wanting to play with you, but that it is still their right to pursue their own route to happiness just as much as it is yours.  Find the people with whom you can share chemistry and do your part to make it meaningful and enjoyable for the both of you (or more, if you're poly :)).
The above isn't going to guarantee that you find the person(s) of your dreams, but it will help you if you're feeling nervous and alone.  Remember that the spanking community is always bigger than you probably think it is, and there are a lot of people in it that want to be informative and supportive.  Put yourself out there.  :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Being in the vanilla world, though not of it.

Some of us remember knowing we were fascinated with spanking before we can remember much else.  Some of us have memories of someone else introducing us to an experience later in life and finding that we wanted and needed it forever thereafter.  Regardless of the method of discovery, we are set on an inexorable path of spank-seeking behavior forever thereafter.  From that point on, this is always a part of us: sometimes inflated, sometimes diminished, but always there.

For a lot of us, this can feel like a curse.  As I alluded to in my last entry, we don't choose spanking, it chooses us.  I never had a day where I felt it'd be a good idea to willingly entertain an obsession which enfeebled my ability to think of much else whenever spanking was mentioned or demonstrated in any form.  It's something that's been with me every day since its inception, constantly capturing my imagination, often at inopportune times.

Of course, this felt like nothing to be proud of.  I mean, who fantasizes about spanking?  Certainly no one I knew or interacted with.  This was something to be kept hidden, secret, safe.  Every instance of any kind of spanking around me made something in me want to jump out and grab it.  It was like trying to keep two neodymium magnets separated from each other.  If ever I allowed those magnets to connect, however, I'd be doomed to embarrassingly judgmental glances and derisive remarks for the rest of my life.


The Internet helped a lot.  It allowed me to see that there were others like me.  This was a great initial outlet at the time.  The chatrooms and various message boards I was able to stumble across via one of my many thousands of searches for spanking-related content made me feel a bit less awkward.  However, the Internet had banners that let me know I was welcome and safe.  No one in my neighborhood was wearing a t-shirt that said "Please spank me".  If ever I was going to make anything I dreamed about happen, I was going to have to force my way out of my shell.

But how?  How does one tell a girl that you'd like to see her over your lap?  What if you even make an innocuous joke about spanking her and watch it fall flat on its face as she gives you a "WTF?" glance followed by an awkward silence?  What if she cries "harassment!" and a full-scale inquiry is mounted into the nature of your intended advances on her?

By the time I was 18, I was tired of feeling like this was an intractable ailment.  I needed to resolve the two worlds and live in just the one.

So, I did.  This wasn't something that was going to go away on its own, and it wasn't something I could bully out of me.  If people were going to accept me as me, this was something they'd have to know.  Not to an extent that would make them uncomfortable, obviously, as there's no point in forcing information on someone just because you feel like the world doesn't accept your kink, and you don't want to compromise your profession and/or familial relationships, but something that's enough for them to know that this is something that's as genuine as my skin color, asexuality, or ridiculously stubby height: I am a spanko.

The responses have been largely encouraging.  I've never lost a friend or friendly acquaintance to date over it.  Some people have immediately told me that such conversation makes them uncomfortable, and the conversation ended there.  Most have found themselves somewhat curious about the lifestyle, even if only an observational curiosity rather than an interest in indulging it themselves.

The friends I have now are the friends who know the real me.  That feels good.  I live in a largely vanilla world, but I don't have to feel that only the majority of me can live in the real world while a fragment exists only in my head.  I've gotten to meet extraordinary people and have enormously rewarding relationships with them just because I finally came across the gumption to be who I really am.

So, don't force who you are.  Be who you are.  Courage wolf will nod approvingly.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Yes, I'm in the BDSM community. No, I'm not a BDSM-er.

I am a spanko.  This has been an assured part of my identity since I was six.  Spanking was a constant, often embarrassing obsession of mine until I discovered the Internet.  The Internet allowed me to see that there were others like me who wanted the same things that I did and were able to feel comfortable about it in the environment created for us in cyberspace.

Unfortunately, while we can abound within the nooks and crannies carved out for us in Internetland, it's very rare that we find a community of spankos in our real life neighborhood.  Such a realization can commit quite a bit of our time to online communities along with the occasional meetup with others like us and, ideally, a committed relationship or relationships with those with whom we find chemistry.


Since BDSM fell from the exclusive ranks of the Old Guard into pop culture society, kinksters are everywhere.  Each with their own kink or kinks.  Some are spankos, such as we, but most are kinksters who can enjoy a good spanking along with a multiplicity of other types of play.  This widens our pool of potential play partners, but we still feel the ill effects of not "connecting" as much as we'd like with that partner as we know they don't share our history and emotional/mental/physical involvement with spanking.

We use the terms "spanko purist" and "hard-wired" to define ourselves amongst a larger community of spanking enthusiasts.  I really like this practice.  There is a touch of perceived arrogance among us "purists", but it's a necessary one.  We didn't choose this fetish, it chose us.  We are ineluctably drawn to a firm hand or a bare bottom.  We each know the clenching in our stomach we experience when we hear the word "spanking" uttered seriously around us.  We know how we feel when we see sleeves being rolled up by a man who means business, or the quiver of a girl's lip as she sees a man's belt being removed.  This is our kink.  It is our lifestyle.

I am proudly a member of my local BDSM community.  I learn a lot from the dynamics, kinks, and play types of others.  I love the people I interact with and can be inspired by.  Sometimes, I can find a fun vacation from spanking and indulge in something I know is someone else's kink.  But, at the end of the day, I am a spanko, not a BDSM-er.




Saturday, October 8, 2011

Challenging my ineptitude

I have always admired people who could sit themselves down and write compelling and interesting paragraphs on topics that engaged their readers.  It's a skill I've never developed, and I find myself envying those who do it so flawlessly and (seemingly) effortlessly.  My goal here is to challenge my apparent inability to write and see what I can produce when I motivate myself to accomplish something I'm unsure of myself in.

I'm not entirely sure what I ought to blog about, really.  There is nothing that yet feels "natural".  I'm also not (comfortably) a public person.  I feel that the status quo stipulates a healthy balance of personal updates, opinions on various topics relevant to the reader's interest, and an occasional bout of philosophical musing which invites the reader to share their own perspectives.

I am engaged in a number of meaningful relationships which substantially add to my quality of life.  I am actively engaged in my local BDSM community as a group leader.  I am a computer nerd, a Marvel geek, a film enthusiast, a pacifist, and a lover of perpetual improvement.  Hopefully I'll be able to take inspiration from those aspects of my life and find a way of conveying them in a relatable fashion.  We'll see how it goes.  I've outlined my ideal transition below: